Halfway to the Great Unknown

20week bump collage
Pregnant me has a dopplegangin’ fire hydrant

I haven’t really written anything here because I don’t feel like writing about my pregnancy. I’m sure if I did, it would turn into a ten page saga about the State of My Bladder, because if one thing makes you pay attention to your peeing habits, it’s having a human being grow and develop right on top of that whole system. And I’m feeling pretty confident that no one wants to hear about my peeing habits, so you know, I’ll skip that.

There are other things to write about, sure, but I find myself not really wanting to. I mean, I kind of do. We had the anatomy ultrasound the other day and saw the baby holding its foot in one hand while sucking the thumb of the other hand, and it was pretty cool. All I could think about was how thumb sucking and foot finding are these adorable little photo-worthy milestones once it’s on the outside, which means the baby will lose the knowledge it has now and regain it later. I wonder if they will have some moment of dejavu when they first find their foot, struck by an inexpressible familiar feeling.

But in the end, I don’t want to be a mommy blogger. I don’t want to write about my baby for a lot of reasons. I think most people who chose to write about their kids on the internet are doing it in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, and I don’t want to somehow make the same mistakes as they are. Not that they all are. I just don’t trust myself to stay on the right side of the line, I guess.

I don’t like the idea of not blogging at all, though. It can be an ego thing, sure, but there’s something very comforting and satisfying about knowing I have some open window to the entire public world, at least those connected to the internet. I like having a soapbox, even if I don’t have something to say. I like knowing where I’d say all of the things I don’t have words for yet.

There’s no denying my whole world revolves baby growing, though. In a lot of ways, I love it. For years I wanted to go to grad school after getting my four year degree. Not just in the sense that when your professor or grandma asked you if you were thinking about grad school you said yes because there’s this weird unspoken pressure against saying anything else when you’re a month away from your diploma, but in the sense that I spent months studying for the GRE and actually took it, and started the search. The search fizzled when I realized that I liked studying and school more than I liked the thing I wanted to study and go to school for. I loved the structure, and I love the process of learning, and I love that this baby unlocks this whole new world of things to learn about and research. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you’re some terrible parent if you don’t read everything you can, but it’s something that makes me feel more comfortable about what’s going on.

It’s more than just looking at parenting techniques and baby development, though. Knowing I’m going to be raising a human being* has been the this great challenge into looking at my values and opinions, at the society I live in, and what I want to impart on them. I know that for the first few years, I’ll mostly just be imparting “sleep is awesome” and “electrical sockets are not for exploring”** but still, it can’t hurt to think big. All in all, this process gets a 9/10 rating from me. I have to deduct one point for the State of My Bladder, though, but it’s a point I willingly concede.

*David is implicitly included in this entire process, and is an amazing sounding board for this whole human-raising business. I couldn’t have found a better partner with whom to jump into this.

**I’m assuming on this one, because apparently I was obsessed with them when I was small and who knows if that’s genetic.

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